If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
You Might Also Like
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
We need to put an American base on the sun
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*jingles half the way*
my astrological sign is a french fry
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.