Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out