PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
this isn’t threatening at all
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Denise please return my vape pen
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME