[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“Huge”.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?