Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.