The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
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Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
As the Lord intended
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.