I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
#milo
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Simple
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.