Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
#oldknees
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Girl, same.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Hello Twits.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly