I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Never forget.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Life cycle of cat
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.