If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”![]()
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.