If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]