If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?