Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook