The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED