I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The booster protects against what, now?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”