I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute