Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
a public service announcement
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.