Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Called it
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.