If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.![]()
You Might Also Like
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
🍞🦆
![]()
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.