If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Merica.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.