They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!