I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.