I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.