Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.


GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”


[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far


Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.


Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.


[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what


“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”


Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.