Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Everyone is unique.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.