No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.