My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Okay, I’m still confused…
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…