date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*