Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.