Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

They also CAN sing✌️

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope