Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.