Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
You Might Also Like
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”