The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot