My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Meow
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.