If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Name this drama.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.