I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Are you a cat person or a person person?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency