@djdarrellripley

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

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@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

@kidnappedagain

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

@YSylon

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

@jessokfine

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

@BeerFarts101

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@down_thehole

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

@david8hughes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas