Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”


this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one


Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then


[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.


Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom


“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”


Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.


I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.


Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas