When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.