SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]