I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle