So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Never forget.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?