So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program