So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Is….Is this an option?
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?