*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?