An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Classic German Shepherd 😂
wow
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[the middle of showering] I need a break
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.