When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
sugar glider wrangler
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Woke up against my better judgement again
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.