Woke up against my better judgement again
You Might Also Like
🌱🌱🌱
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week