My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The Friday File.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*