At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*