I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
And now we wait
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother