My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.