I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
yeah not falling for this one
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.