I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.