[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
#SCOTUS one-star review
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
my mind
You just read my mind
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Safety first
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL