*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Meanwhile in Portland…
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you