[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.