[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
You are what you delete.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner