People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Come back with a warrant
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?